It is with a mix of relief and lingering exasperation that we announce the passing of Abhiraj, a man whose life was a masterclass in chaos and missed deadlines. Abhiraj, 18, was a student in physics at the University of Cambridge, though it’s a mystery how he managed to stay enrolled given his chronic inability to hand in work on time. 

Born in San Francisco, Abhiraj carried the city’s laid-back attitude to extremes, often mistaking procrastination for a personality trait. His academic career was marked by late submissions, half-baked excuses, and a peculiar talent for turning even the simplest tasks into disasters. His professors tolerated him, but only just. 

Abhiraj’s personal life was no less chaotic. He was married to Sophie and Emily, two patient souls who somehow found it in their hearts to love a man who couldn’t even show up on time to his own engagement. His perpetual tardiness wasn’t endearing—it was infuriating. And let’s not forget the time he spilled wine on a member of the royal family, an incident that somehow managed to be both embarrassing and entirely predictable. 

Those who knew Abhiraj will remember him as a man who lacked common sense, a trait he wore like a badge of honor. His friends and family often found themselves cleaning up his messes, both literal and metaphorical. He was the kind of person who could turn a simple dinner party into a three-act farce, and while some might call that charm, the rest of us called it exhausting. 

Abhiraj is survived by Sophie and Emily, who deserve medals for putting up with him; his parents, who never quite understood how they raised such a disaster; and his siblings, who will miss him in the way you miss a noisy neighbor who finally moves away. 

A gathering to mark Abhiraj’s passing will be held on 31st feb at the chapel. Feel free to arrive late—he certainly would have. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to a time management course in his memory, though it’s unclear if even that could have saved him. 

Abhiraj’s departure leaves a void, though for many, it’s a void that’s long overdue. Rest in peace, Abhiraj. The world is now a slightly more punctual, less chaotic place.